How to be an half-assed Canadian murderer

Robert Pickton must be entertained by how ineffectual his colleagues have become in his home and native land, especially those whose goal is to snuff out the true patriot love commanded of all her sons. The latest big thing on the Canadian murder scene is this business of murdering a soldier, then getting killed on very short order by nearby cops. This is a tragedy for the slain soldiers and their loved ones, but for the rest of us, it’s important to keep the body count in perspective: two.

That’s all. Two.

This is especially important to keep in mind because the two murderous civvies behind this week’s soldier assassinations were converts to Islam, a religious affiliation that inevitably freaks many a paranoid jingoist the fuck out. Various elements on edge can’t, or maybe won’t, refrain from discussing their violence in the context of an epic clash of civilizations dating back to the Ottomans, the Battles of Vienna and Tours, and the like, and oh Christ have mercy how the West has grown soft, ad nauseam. A disaffection with Canada and a concurrent sympathy with ISIS may be the proximal reason for these assaults, and it certainly makes sense as a pretext for those who feel like doing some killing, aspiring freelance murderers in a civilized and well-governed country extolling the virtue of the most recent band of warlords to make the international news by applying government by wholesale butchery to the territories of failing states. It does not, however, mean that these two Canucks are anything more than violent losers. The Ottawa shooter had a prior conviction for uttering threats and had been acquitted of robbery, and the Quebec road rager had taken to chatting with politicized Muslim yahoos over the internet at dad’s house: not chaps on track for the Order of Canada, it might be said. In the present geopolitical circumstances, these men went on the warpath against innocent soldiers; in a less OMG Islam!!!!111! environment, they might have killed innocent householders in the course of stealing their jewelry and home electronics.

Had geopolitical conditions in the Middle East kept the thugs in ISIS from becoming anything more threatening than freelance serial murderers, these Canuck soldier killers would still have been likely to go around murdering people to assuage the empty spaces in their own souls or some shit. They just probably wouldn’t have had it in for soldiers. They would have become good candidates for incarceration somewhere down the line, but as things turned out they bit off more than they could chew, and now they aren’t candidates for anything more than a pine box. And it’s just as well: they had just been out murdering innocent strangers, and they weren’t trying to surrender, especially the one who was killed while shooting his way into Parliament.

How do these chaps compare to their colleagues in the slaughter of their countrymen? Not very well. Together, they were something like two percent of the murderer that Robert Pickton was. Speaking of Canadian soldiers, these two merely equaled the body count inflicted by former Canadian Forces Colonel Russell Williams, but not his record of sexual assault, home invasion, false imprisonment, and underwear theft. That creep commanded a major air base, by the way. Nor were they the cannibalistic kind of Canadian murderers, like Weiguang Vince Li, the bus rage killer who had a heart, but not his own, or the old-school Indians who did likewise to missionaries well before the days of buses, the Crown, or the Confederation. St Jean de Brebeouf: It’s What’s for Dinner (TM). You didn’t seriously think I’d pass up that tacky opportunity for humor, did you?

My apologies: I meant “humour.”

Maybe it’s salacious to discuss these noted Canadians and pre-Canadians, but there have been some murderous creepy-ass crackers in the great white north, too. It isn’t just Ami that’s good for that sort of thing, although Charles Cullen is one hell of a contender, as you’ll agree if you saw his interview on 60 Minutes. Now, there’s a chap who’s creepier and crackerier than George Zimmerman. Another Canadian whose shoes these soldier-murderers would never fill is Marc Lepine, the proto-redpill antifeminist loser who shot up a polytechnic university in Montreal because he was out of work and pissed off at school and women and shit. He killed fourteen.

One way to look at all this laundry list is that oh my gawd that’s a lot of violent Canadians killing a whole lot of people. That’s the febrile approach. The sane reaction is that, yes, these things happen, but not all that often. There may be a cannibalistic Chinaman on your bus, but there probably isn’t. The commandant of that military air base may be murdering women incidentally to binding them for sexually explicit photographs and absconding with their panties, but he’s probably nothing worse than a bit weird. This didn’t happen in Canada, but one time this jittery-ass motherfucker, a dead ringer for the Geico caveman, boarded my Greyhound bus in Columbus, and I was afraid that he might knife someone for the first fifteen minutes, but we all arrived safely in Indianapolis that morning because he simmered down enough to be nothing more than a jittery freak. That pig farmer may be murdering women and getting away with it because they’re streetwalkers and druggies, but he probably isn’t. Even if “pig farm” is his preferred euphemism for a rave venue maintained in a state ofnonagricultural rural squalor, he’s probably just a dirty old man. The important thing is for the cops to pay some fucking attention when streetwalkers report their friends missing. Your engineering class may be shot up by an enraged dropout with a grudge against women, but it probably won’t.

You may be shot by some loser while standing ceremonial guard at a war memorial, but you’ll probably go home safely every night. And even if, God forbid, you don’t, it won’t be because you ran into the upstart Supreme Caliph of Islamic Canada; it will be because you ran into Mark David Chapman-North (no relation to Oliver).

There are bad people in the world. The important thing is for the civil authorities to maintain public order. The Canadian civil authorities do exactly this. Occasionally the peace will be breached in such an environment, but not often and not for long. Keep calm and carry on, and with luck your country will remain both safe and free. Or, to translate this advice for my own people, Americans, y’all need to simmer the fuck down and stop freaking out about Muslim terrorists behind every bush. They aren’t there. There may, however, be a Saudi behind every Bush.

Canada: pretty damn safe for a country that’s located right next to Detroit.

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