Read it and snicker. Some observers think that the story is too good to be true and is on track for an oops-we-did-it-again retraction. It certainly sounds too exquisite to be for real, but the Twitter accounts in question don’t look like sock puppets, and the pizzeria in question is a real business. The nebulous exurban mass of the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex is, after all, an appropriate setting for a surreal pissing match over human resources wankery if participation in the real productive economy fails to float one’s boat.
It’s time for a corollary rule of thumb to complement C. S. Lewis’s rule about the wisdom of choosing robber barons over moral busybodies: to wit, if forced to choose between idiocracy and managerial-class tyranny, choose idiocracy, since it is merely stupid, not stupid and tyrannical. This is probably an inchoate formulation, but it’s a start, and inchoate thoughts go, it’s an improvement over this Yelp “review” of Jet’s Pizza:
Owner Robert Waple is not a very nice person. Our jobs as adults is to uplift our youth educate and teach in the hopes that they will take a positive path in life. Not embarrassing them and tearing them down. “it takes a village to raise a child” is an important African proverb that should be taken to heart in relation to how our society is today. Until you treat your customers and employees with dignity and respect I suggestthat nobody patronize this eating establishment.
As I said, stupid. Powerfully so. The problem with rescinding a job offer by chewing out the new hire on Twitter over her petulant but vague off-duty complaints about her assumption that the job would suck, and incidentally maintaining an ad hoc company spy network to facilitate retaliatory terminations, is that it involves a combination of negativity, lack of uplifting educational teaching, and poor mentorship, all of this in violation of the social norms of African villages as interpreted by Hillary Clinton and reinterpreted by some guy from Merced. But unlike Hillary, Kevin W. is not a high-ranking government official, and neither is Cella, the young lady whose already stratospheric self-esteem he is trying to further uplift. These individuals are from a low-turnout voter demographic, Zero being a valued constituency of the Low community. Having been all too ceremoniously kicked off the you-want-fries-with-that track, Cella is most likely not on the managerial track.
Never underestimate the ability of an obnoxious idiot to accidentally make the world a better place by virtue of her low own low status and incompetence. Cella is a flagrant attention whore, a young woman of high self-regard and low manners whose Twitter feed is an excellent way to induce vomiting, but she’s so low on the totem pole that she has nowhere to lob her turds but upwards. Her erstwhile boss Robert Waple, meanwhile, actually has authority over other people and an employee snitch network to ensure that his attempts to humiliate and intimidate his subordinates aren’t laughable. “And….no you don’t start that FA job today! I just fired you! Good luck with your no money, no job life!” He’s a walking South Park caricature of Donald Trump. Oh hai young lady, please to enjoy this tortious interference in your future job search without a paycheck. If a restaurant manager’s goal is to confirm suspicions that he is, in fact, a huge honking fuck ass, that’s a good way to go about it. Good luck with your efforts to defend yourself against future employee lawsuits by showing that you handle firing decisions professionally!
Dog-ass bastards like Robert Waple worm their way into positions of managerial authority all the time. It’s rare, however, that they get exposed doing something grossly unprofessional online. Reputation management is a double-edged sword, and it’s a bitch when the blade whipsaws back in massa’s direction. It’s quite unlikely that this reckless public termination announcement is the only bad thing that Waple has done to a subordinate, or remotely the worst. Dude probably has some much gnarlier skeletons in his closet. At the very least, this outburst will ensure that due-diligence internet searches for his name will bring up information about his history of publicly firing a new hire before she could even start work because she had said mean things about his company and he was butthurt. Raise a joyful amicus noise on behalf of the plaintiff’s bar, for, as the defendant would passive-aggressively put it, he just gave himself a good hard F’ing in the A.
Cella’s campaign of trash talk might have been an excellent HR tyrant’s honeypot if she weren’t obviously not a civic actor. This is a woman who previously used her Twitter account to commemorate deceased rap stars and express her love for all her bitches, “aint got no main.” Having recently achieved minor celebrity, she now uses her bully pulpit to publish copious well-wishes from abroad. As some loser from Argentina put it, “you are a famous in Argentina XDD.”
Oh, and 2,000 followers? That was, like, soooo a couple hours ago, back before I broke for dinner and the evening news. The latest count is 2,204. But again, she and her instaclaque are merely stupid. They have nothing on Cella’s real main bitch, metroplex pizza Nazi and avenger of wounded honor Robert Waple. As Nietzsche might have said, when fighting petty dipshits whom you don’t want behind the register at your pizzeria, be careful, lest you turn into a petty monster yourself.
Waple is really selling himself short by running that damn pizzeria. He sounds like he’d be a great cultural fit for the Albuquerque Police Department.