The sexiest beast in Japan

When I say that Shabani is an animal, I mean the sort of animal that no one has successfully talked to since the Lawrence Welk Show went out of production. He’s all ape, no angel, and no mystery for Disraeli to contemplate, unless the late prime minister would like to think about how Japan has come to be so incredibly fucking weird.

This is one way for a crowded island nation to depopulate, but it can’t possibly be the best one. A nation whose women want to be romanced by a gorilla while its men do their best to get yucky with girlish computer simulations can’t be headed anywhere good. For the sake of Japan, one has to hope that the virtual girlfriend and fuck-me-Shabani crowds are small, eccentric, and unrepresentative of the country’s youth. It isn’t just that these attitudes aren’t conducive to family formation; it’s that they aren’t conducive to anything but a Jesus-take-the-wheel death spiral of national sociosexual dysfunction. Many observers have claimed that people of reproductive age in Japan, especially men, have become sexually reclusive in recent years. This has caused a great deal of alarm in some quarters, on the reasonable enough basis that if young adults who should be looking for sexual relationships are too autistic or immature or selfish to become sexually intimate with other people, this has to have ill effects on their broader social lives and on the social fabric of the society as a whole. Those who lust after their country’s sexiest ineligible non-bachelor primate or after girlfriends so inhuman that they exist only in the ether and in the eye of the beholder aren’t conceiving and raising real children. Not awfully long ago, a couple in South Korea were arrested for the manslaughter of their flesh-and-blood infant, whom they had neglected in order to care for a virtual baby in a computer game.* Being able to navigate real-life sexual relationships with real-life people is consistent with having what it takes to change real-life grandma’s real-life diaper and generally humor her in her senility. After all, if sex is too gross or messy to handle, what isn’t?

*(I read this on the internet, and I’m too much le tired from picking blueberries to look it up, even though it sounds too good to be true. Just putting that out there–unlike the Japanese, who aren’t putting out that which is intransitively put out in traditional cultures.)

Chicks dig the aloof alpha male. In Shabani’s case, it’s no stretch to say that he’s just not that into you. That’s why he isn’t paying you any attention. You aren’t his type. You aren’t his kind. And, again, by “type” and “kind,” I mean a gorilla. Finally, a fetish so far out that there aren’t instructions for it in Leviticus.

All this sexual weirdness in Japan probably has something to do with the misguided rural planning and inadequate family policy demanded by Japan’s popular gerontocracy. People who are raising children and sexually active with their spouses are usually less into this kind of thing. In modern rural Japan, however, it’s hard even for normal people in honest trades, like fishermen, to find spouses because the honored citizens insist on maintaining every two-bit seaport village of their youth intact. If this were happening in Great Britain, there would be a British comedy about it on PBS tonight. I don’t mean the part about lusting after gorillas; that’s a bit far even for the rude kind of English broadcaster.

At least Shabani doesn’t need help from Mike Cernovich in developing the gorilla mindset. All he has to do is chill out in a glass zoo enclosure looking hawt. All Japan’s young people have to do is everything but what they’ve been doing,  including one another.

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