1) The heir-apparent to the Canadian premiership looks like he just stepped out of a boy band. He’s probably making preparations to appoint Justin Bieber to his cabinet. #CanadianContent, baby. Baby Baby no. Justin Trudeau (Oh Dear Lord, they have the same given name; why? Lama sabachthana?) is on track to be Canada’s first second-generation prime minister, if the sources I’ve seen are accurate. Look it up yourself; I’m not about to hole up on Wikipedia and scrutinize a list of Canada’s prime ministers dating back to the genesis of the Confederation, like the fucking American dork that I so studiously pretend not to be.
By some reckonings, the Trudeaus are not Canada’s first political dynasty. If y’all think that’s a good idea, take a look at our Kennedy and Bush boys down here: Jack, John-John, Patrick, Chappaquiddick Cool Change, W, and now that presumptuous, simpering twit Jeb. Cool shit, eh? If we aren’t governed by a family of creepy spooks, we’re governed by a family of shambling drunkards. At least Rob Ford didn’t pretend to be sober. And y’all are still awaiting the ever-impending coronation of your next king, Charles III, and his queen, Camilla, at a time when dear mother cannot be long for this world. Sure, comfort yourselves with the thought of Will, Kate, and the spare heir; the latest generation of royal brats conceived as part of the #MillennialPledge to keep the dream alive does nothing to neutralize the Boomer in line for the throne by shipping him off to some Caribbean backwater to be the governor-general, although it does ensure that there will be one child, and a second child, born in this world to carry on, because, as I mentioned, #CanadianContent.
Don’t blame me; blame Carly Rae Jepsen and BTO for also being #CanadianContent.
1a) Justin Trudeau has dabbled in 9/11 truther memes on Twitter, specifically ones blaming W for bringing down the towers. Or maybe one of his interns dabbled in truther shiznit. Either way, it’s refreshingly honest coming from a national politician. Let’s get real here: no one in the United States government has credibly explained the 9/11 attacks. Wow Many demolition Much mysterious So building 7 Omg bizarre Very confuse Wow. If you find that offensive, feel free to explain where 9/11 Doge memes fall on the spectrum of moral outrage relative to a mass-casualty false flag attack, or alternately a mass-casualty terror attack orchestrated by some combination of treacherous alleged “allies” in the Saudi government and a disloyal ex-CIA agent, also a Saudi.
Fuck. Wrong Justin.
2) Stephen Harper looks like a funeral director. He’s been running some serious Conrad Burns game at the national level. Seriously, both of those guys look like the sleazy-ass funeral director who handled my maternal grandmother’s services. They’re the sort of creeps who could keep a completely straight face while pretending that their efforts to sell cheap condolence books for $50 a pop are part of their genuine desire to comfort the bereaved.
Apparently Harper’s policies were a pile of dogshit, too. C36 certainly was. That is, Harper was even worse than he looked at first glance. He tried to turn voters against Trudeau by saying that a Liberal vote was a vote for weed and hookers. Seems he blew that calculation. It’s like, hey, McDreamy here will hook you up with the good stuff, so you’d better vote for the schoolmarmish dork in the bad toupee who’ll tell you to keep it in your pants and lay off the dope, because he’ll contravene the Supreme Court if that’s what it takes to keep the whores in their place.
I’m Robert Pickton, and I approve this message.
3) Trudeau is something of an authoritarian dipshit on civil liberties as they relate to OMG terrorism!!!!!1! That sucks, but at least the funeral director is out.
4) The psychosexual dynamics of this election are a lot like the Eisenhower-Kennedy transition, or would be, if Eisenhower had been a shifty creep, Nixon hadn’t later turned out to be a really shifty creep, and Kennedy hadn’t been amazingly dissolute around wine, women, and open motorcades.
5) Jon Tester, the built-like-a-brick-shithouse rancher and trumpeter who turfed our own funeral director out of the US Senate, is roughly what Rob Ford would be if he did more of his own yard work and less of his own binge drinking. Then again, the PUA sites have always insisted that Toronto is a city full of useless wankers, so it figures that he’d be elected mayor.