More multilevel marketing: Scumberry

An old college friend’s wife has been spamming me and a bunch of other dudes with marketing copy for her DIY fingernail accessory hustle as part of a Facebook “event” called “Awesome Men Get Jamberry For Her.”  I guess I’m not awesome, then. So be it. I don’t have the extra money to spend on that crap, and if I did, I still wouldn’t get sucked into something so daft.

I also don’t like the feeling that these friends of mine have encountered financial difficulties and are actively misrepresenting the nature of their circumstances with bogus religious and marketeering talk in order to brightside themselves and everyone in touch with them on Facebook. They have three young children, having conceived the third accidentally when the second was still an infant, prompting the wife to quit a teaching job in one of the best funded school districts in the United States to stay home with the kids. They recently left the county where they had lived since birth, with the exception of time away at college, and where they both have huge extended families and cohesive networks of friends, and moved over a thousand miles away to an area where, as far as I know, they have no relatives within reasonable driving distance, after my friend got a new job with the local Catholic diocese.

Reading between the lines, I get a strong feeling that they’re both putting a bogus positive spin on messy circumstances that others ought to avoid, if possible. They claim to be all about family values, and yet they moved away from an extended family whose cohesion and geographic concentration I envy. They’ve clearly been putting on a game face over their use of natural family planning, sweeping all the financial and personal hardship it has caused them under the rug in plain sight on Facebook. I don’t like the appearance that they’re pretending to be more financially stable and capable of raising their children on their own than they actually are. It’s likely that the husband is providing religiously motivated misinformation about the effectiveness of condoms to sexually active teenagers in his youth group, since he’s described making comments verging on this threshold. If he is in fact providing such indoctrination and teens under his tutelage become sexually active anyway, the likelihood of their having high-risk sex resulting in STD’s or unintended pregnancies will shoot up. There are compelling reasons why instruction on sexual health should be left to nurses and prostitutes.

What compounds the narrowminded recklessness at play here is that my college buddy and his wife seem to be fishing for moral support for this behavior on Facebook. They’re certainly receiving plenty of it from the army of religious right dittoheads they’ve assembled. I find it EXTREMELY objectionable on fundamental moral grounds to be asked, even tacitly, for my assent to any of this horseshit. There are two honorable ways of dealing with troubled personal finances on social media: discretion (i.e., saying nothing) and honesty. Muddying these waters with religious prattle is dishonorable. Full stop. Joe Dirtbag and the Family Shrew muddy the waters with hippie prattle, and I’ve had enough of it in seven years to last me a lifetime.

The Jamberry marketeering in question is obviously an obnoxious hustle. There’s such a powerful echo chamber in the home “entrepreneurship” community and in the religious congregations where it’s fashionable that the “entrepreneurs” hawking their shit consider it appropriate to bombard general audiences on Facebook with their pitches in a way that I do not consider it appropriate to annoy my Facebook audience with posts about how much fun it is to schtup hookers at massage parlors. I generally consider whether my comments on Facebook will do nothing but pollute a forum where my friends and acquaintances didn’t come for that shit, and I try to shield those I expect to be offended from especially edgy posts; marketing hustlers do nothing of the sort. They’re shameless.

That said, Jamberry is even worse than I originally thought. It hit me the other day that it might be a multilevel marketing scheme, so I did some Google-fu, and don’tcha fuckin’ know, it’s a goddamn MLM. It was founded by three Mormon sisters and is based in Lindon, Utah, between Provo and Salt Lake City. You can’t make this shit up. Truly multilevel marketing is a fundamental LDS folkway. Try that for magic, Napoleon.

This is the compensation structure for Jamberry’s Canadian operation. Honestly, I cannot understand it well enough to competently enter into a contract as a Jamberry consultant, and I probably have hundredth-percentile English literacy. It was clearly written for the deliberate purpose of confusing Jamberry’s prospective sales force. The ghost of Robert Service should haunt unto public repentance every corporate lawyer who contributed to or approved this horrendous word salad. Not objecting to such a God-awful, fraudulent pile of shit as corporate counsel, let alone writing it, should be grounds for disbarment. It’s blatantly predatory. Those involved in creating it are ethically unfit to practice law. Then again, so are many members of bar association disciplinary committees. You have to be Mike Nifong to get your meal ticket yanked.

Again, that’s what Jamberry’s counsel thinks will pass legal muster in Canada. Just imagine how degraded, how Madoff-approved, the consulting contracts must be in the United States. We don’t have RCMP constables to tell us, hey, partner, maybe you shouldn’t do that, eh. We’ve never had a Tommy Douglas, but we have had a Jason Chaffetz. Wicked South: it ain’t just Boston; it’s all of us.

Those of us who have taken up legitimate, productive trades are expected to treat the obnoxious dupes caught up in these obscenely profane multilevel marketing scams as honorable colleagues, good Christians just trying to make a living. There’s no fraud that the masterminds behind the MLM rackets won’t commit in Christ’s name. Prostitution is mere vulgarity; companies like Amway and Jamberry are profanities in excelsis. Don’t worry, though: as Americans, we’re taught not to recognize true profanity, and we’re taught well.

Canadians, too, I guess. BC would be better governed by streetwalkers from the Low Track than by dippy church bitches from the inland south shore ridings. They’re genuine independent businesswomen, at least. They don’t need a fucking MLM scam to hustle what they’re selling. I’m not saying that all American and Canadian women should become prostitutes. I’m just saying that all American and Canadian women should have the good manners of prostitutes. But we admitted Utah to the Union, and now we get to lie in the bed that we made.

That said, I like to provide happy endings sometimes, so here’s one: if you know a hooker, by God, tell her to run for city council. Less David Brame; more Kristin Davis. Okay, that isn’t really a happy ending; there’s no pot of gold at the end of that bridge over the Narrows. Except at the south end of the bridge, where there’s more civic virtue advertised on Backpage than you’ll ever be able to enjoy, and where, as long as you stay out of Spanaway, which is a good idea in any event, the girls aren’t interested in your nails, even though they’ve put more wraps on other people’s appendages than you can imagine.

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One thought on “More multilevel marketing: Scumberry

  1. Jamberry … ugh. I saw that and it doesn’t even sound so good. I like jam and I like berries, but jamberry sounds vaguely porny somehow, and not in any kind of good way.

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