Rafael Edward “Muh Clay Road Baptist Church” Cruz may be eligible for the presidency of the United States, or he may be ineligible. Far be it from me to lawsplain this shit, or to counterlawsplain the lawsplainer; there are reasons why I continue to abstain from law school. I do, however, have several peripheral questions about Ted Cruz’s relationship to his (home and?) native land:
1) The guy has been running for the US presidency for so long that I, along with many of my American buddies and friends, I’m sure (sorey aboot that), can only dimly remember a time when he was not running. In all these months, it seems that no one was given an opportunity to aver in any mainstream media outlet that, yo dawg, Elmer Gantry here was a Canuck brat, and that makes him constitutionally ineligible. Then Donald Trump started making obnoxious noise on this subject, instead of other divisive subjects pertaining to non-Canadian foreigners, and suddenly the chattering class was abuzz with concern about Ted Cruz’s eligibility.
The United States Constitution was not amended in this time, nor was there any new case law about the eligibility of foreign-born children of US citizens. The press had time to look into this matter, or at the very least to ignorantly speculate about it at great length, as it does about every other conceivable matter of national political importance, from Donald Trump’s thoughts on Megyn Kelly’s menstrual cycle to Ben Carson’s thoughts on Holy Moses and the grand Egyptian grain silos. Instead, it spent months implying that, duh, he’s eligible, before admitting, at Trump’s prompting, that okay, maybe he isn’t exactly eligible. Throughout it all we have continued to be barraged with the most inane horse race trivia, as if we’re all just drinking mint juleps at Pimlico for 22 months straight, like any responsible citizenry.
It sure seems that the mainstream media allow their political coverage to be dictated by candidates, campaign spokesmen, and party hacks instead of having reporters do their own work in pursuit of their own ideas and leads. Politics: What is it all about? And journalism: what is that all about? Is it good, or is it wack?
In the interest of being mysterious, I will refrain from answering my own question, but I will offer a hint: it rhymes with “crack.”
Hey hey hey!
2) Until a week or two ago, none of the other presidential candidates, including the dozen-odd in the Republican primary field alone, had a word to say about Cruz’s constitutional eligibility. Is anyone in this process serious? Most of them are lawyers. Did the definition of a natural-born citizen really not occur to any of them, or are they all either: a) magnanimous to a fault, or b) opportunistic wind vanes of absolutely no civic principle whatsoever? And how late were some of these connivers planning to wait before finally jamming not just Cruz but their country–our country–up with a constitutional challenge to his eligibility?
3) A bit under a decade ago, Mocha Haole showed up on the scene in Chicago and asked his country to pass da kine, much mahalo, and many of his countrymen erroneously agreed with him that da kine included hope and change. Since we agreed with him that we were the hope and change we believed in and were waiting for, etc., we therefore also conceded that we were da kine. Great reasoning there, wouldn’tcha say. All the same, he was running against the Bomb-Bomb Iran geezer and that dingbat Northern Exposure MILF, and the second time around against the weaselly Mormon dork with the home elevator for his cars. Come to think of it, you have to go through or past quite a bit more of Canada to get to Wasilla than you do to get to Calgary, in case you were wondering about proximity to mainstream America and its culture. You ought to stop by Port Hardy and get your picture taken with a strapping Mountie; I did. It’s the done thing when you’re five.
Anyway, the current president has been besieged, absent all credible evidence to this effect, that he was born abroad. This works subtly but powerfully to his advantage, of course, as it distracts a large segment of his most natural opponents from the glaring substantive problems with his leadership, including the open assassination of US citizen dissidents living abroad. No matter how many times Barack Obama repeats that he was in fact born in Honolulu, as evidenced by his Hawaii birth certificate and the contemporaneous presence of his father on Oahu as a graduate student, racist wackjobs keep insisting that he was born in Kenya. Or, as they usually refer to it, Africa. Waka waka hey hey; some rains one cannot help but bless.
Barack Obama was in fact raised for a time in Indonesia, on account of his biological father having been completely absent from his life for years, but Indonesia isn’t dindu enough for these creeps to give it much thought, unless perhaps they’re trying to attribute to Obama their bugaboo (and very non-Javanese) Wahhabi extremism, which they of course elide into all of Islam. So dude’s like, no I was born in Hawaii, and all these fuckheads respond by using “African” as a racial slur. Meanwhile, Ted Cruz publicly declares that he was born in Calgary, and most of the same people are like, cool, that’s as American as religious tests for public office.
Again, there isn’t any principle in evidence here. It’s the reactionaries continuing to repeat after (secret integrationist) George Wallace, “nigger nigger,” and never listening to warnings that cracka that dog don’t hunt no more. They figure that Ted Cruz is white enough to be their kind, and certainly Texan enough. When Harris County embarrasses its decent citizens, it embarrasses them with gusto.
4) Marco Rubio is now smearing of Ted Cruz for not really speaking Spanish. Say, while he’s at it, maybe he can accuse my mom of not speaking Russian. What we have here is Florida Man accusing the Canadian-born Texan of not being Cuban enough to pander to Mexicans. Gee, how could anyone impeach the credibility of our political class in circumstances like these?
There’s another thing. We’re putting the cart before the horse here. We’re looking at the whole thing backwards. If poor assimilation and acculturation are threats to the electorate and the republic, the problem isn’t with Cruz and Rubio. They’re both perfectly well acculturated. They both speak normal, idiomatic American English. Okay, sort of normal in Rubio’s case. Idiomatic American English as spoken by an American Enterprise Institute robot, in any event. The problem, if any, is with the foreign electorate that Rubio is trying to woo. Jeb Bush, a scion of pale-ass High Anglican Yankee old money, is trying to woo the same mass of foreigners and putative foreign sympathizers with the same hola amigo shtick.
5) But the problem is that we have this Albertan-born Elmer Gantry running for the presidency? Well, then, in that case, I’m Robert Service, and mister could you spare me some firewood, it’s getting cold up here in these parts. Let’s get real. Ted Cruz is as Canadian as Boris Johnson is American. His politics are just another pile of the noxious horseshit that decent Americans have come to expect of Texas. Alberta is nominally the sweet home of edgy reactionary shitlord politics in Canada, but remember, that’s by local standards, not our south of the 49th Parallel. There’s nothing culturally Albertan about Ted Cruz. Stockwell Day would go yuk it up with some young-earth creationists in Red Deer for an hour or two and then return to his complaints about an imperious federal government strangling the oil industry. Stephen Harper is something of a creep. Ted Cruz is a full-throttled pandering religious zealot so crazy that he’d be monstered by the entire Conservative Party leadership if he ever tried to worm his way towards the cabinet or made a pest of himself in Parliament. The party would have carpetbaggers in his riding within 48 hours, on standby to run in the next election.
A lot of people on both sides of the border are all like, well, Rob Ford is crazy. No, he’s a drunkard. There’s a difference. Church? Hell, partner, maybe I’ll go if I’m not drunk off my ass Sunday morning. That’s what passes for batshit crazy in Canadian politics: a sweaty, foultempered drunk who gets blasted and maybe orders a plate of jerk chicken using what he believes to be a Jamaican accent, or maybe smokes a crack rock instead. He’s kind of his country’s George W. Bush, an alkie and druggie from family money who dabbles in low-class shtick while a child of Jamaican immigrants commands the police force. Still, he’s wicked centrist by Republican standards.
It would be cool if we had a legit Canadian candidate for the presidency. Rob Ford would be fun at the debates in a not-shit-your-pants scary way. Instead we have that greasy Houstonian whose daddy found work in the Alberta oilpatch before he found Jesus. And that, to be frank, is exactly the Canadian president we deserve.