Cool hobbyhorse, but what will it do for my employment, housing, and personal hygiene situations? I’m homeless, yo

A lot of political and cryptopolitical whining, grandstanding, preening, handwringing, and the like is brought my way by Facebook-sensei and radio-sensei. Some of it serves a respectable, worthwhile purpose. Probably two thirds of it is bullshit, but by all means, don’t feel compelled to have a scarcity of bullshit mentality if you’d rather have an abundance of bullshit mentality. That was just a rough guess, neither conservative nor liberal but really just I slept in my car again last night and Scott Simon sounded more coherent than JPR’s pledge drive pitchmen and the soi-disant blue-collar blowhards on Immaculate Heart Radio. I’m not of a mind to assume that your guess is as good as mine, just in case you try to lowball it down to something ridiculous like only 40%, but maybe it is. You may not be full of shit, but Pot-o-Shit Friend’s trash can was. This is worth belaboring just to show that even if I didn’t choose the rawdog life, the rawdog life chose me, while it did not, as far as I can tell, choose any of the sheltered mandarins who presume to speak on behalf of and down to everyone else in furtherance of their very precious causes.

Living in this manner, it’s impossible not to wander into a worldview of Wow Much maslow Many hierarchical of needs Omg want and hard not to get snappy with those who condescendingly, or even just thoughtlessly, live their lives high in the narrow part of the pyramid and assume that everyone else does, too. That sentence was more coherent and grammatical than Peter Sage’s comment on JPR this morning that you, the listener, might want to “put something in the karma bank and congratulate the world for your success” by giving to dear JPR. Also, “we don’t have a wealthy billionaire supporting us.” Omg Much words Many definitional Very confuse. The host nominally leading this discussion was an even worse fool who speculated, to his own chuckling self-satisfaction, about the possibility of a billionaire benefactor and station namesake called JP. These fuckers want your money, and that’s how they think they’ll talk you out of it. Yes, NPR is useful to the extent that it isn’t badgering its listeners for tithes and offerings, but it has other people who submit to its passive-aggressive findom (and, uh, the federal government, which chartered it, but deficits and political bias, or something). It doesn’t need my money.

A very similar dynamic drives the very bourgeois political and cryptopolitical concerns that the sheltered keep obnoxiously airing everywhere, as if they’re the only things that matter. I sometimes wipe my ass and taint down with hand sanitizing wipe in the bathroom at Fred Meyer and call that hygiene. My reasons for doing this are financial. Do I sound like I give a shit about helping Hillary Clinton #LeanIn to the White House, where she has already lived for eight years? Most women are incalculably more decent than Hillary; I don’t see why they’d want her to represent them as cunt (possessor)s, and many of them feel the same way. To hell with that insincere bitch. The concern trolls of American womanhood and the Democratic Party have been polluting Facebook and the broadcasters with warnings that this treacherous, hypocritical, lying shrew is the left’s only hope, and that an underdog senator encouraging her to briefly shut off the river of bullshit by closing her mouth is a sexist pig punching down.

As bad as this is, it’s just the tip of the shitberg. The precious bourgeois concerns never end. I like to compare the political concerns cluttering my media with my own concerns, to see if there’s any overlap. Often, there is none at all. I get flooded with Berniebot internet memes (agreeable by my reckoning, but not by everyone’s, and probably as useless as tits on a boar), pro-life carrying-on from people whose narrow politics show little interest in the postnatal living, policy wonk shit from people whose policy should be to grab a machete and cut cane for sixty hours a week until they come across some humility and common sense, the kooky obscurantist sexual preoccupations of people who are against condoms (for sexually active third parties, too) because they tarnish the platonic ideal of marriage, bellyaching from rich girls about how the old boys kinda sorta don’t totally want them in their crooked networks as equals in rent extraction and fraud, related complaints that there aren’t enough “good men” for neurotically hypergamous women who’d probably be happier as housewives or as part-timers who take shifts while the brats are at school or otherwise institutionalized, factually wrong complaints about how Bernie is a nation-wrecking socialist who will turn America into the Soviet Union under Brezhnev (he’s the one forthrightly calling the North Korean regime “scary” and “extremely weird,” just as Ceausescu and Honecker did), whining about suboptimal youth ministry, whining about suboptimal teens in youth ministry programs, and Dave Ramsey content. The Joel Osteen content seems to have abated lately, so let me not pretend that I am never blessed. Why do so many Houstonians look like they harbor oil reserves within their faces?

The thing about all this crap is that it’s irrelevant to my life. The “outreach” types in youth ministry, politics, and the like say that they want to be “relevant.” To that end, here are some things that they certainly will not do to make themselves relevant to me:

–Give me a job;

–Give me an apartment;

–Connect me with landlords who are morally fit to rent out residential properties (as opposed to the bottomfeeding criminal slumlords who position themselves for tenant referrals from social services);

–Connect me with reputable employers who are looking to hire employees (not managerial-class shitbirds who use the hiring process to haze and generally abuse applicants for the fun of it);

–Direct me to hygienic bathing facilities that won’t bankrupt me;

–Receive and hold mail for me, free of charge or for a nominal fee, until I can conveniently take delivery of it.

This probably isn’t an exhaustive list, but resolving these problems would dramatically improve my life, as it would the lives of millions of other Americans. Notice that a number of these services are really straightforward and efficient when delivered by organizations or individuals that give a rat’s ass about outcomes but are perverted into rent-stripping Rube Goldberg machines that chew up and spit out their nominal target beneficiaries when ostentatious do-gooders get ahold of them.

If you’re wringing your hands about teenagers being callow and inconsistently fascinated by biblical stuff, or by the abiding presence of abortion as as a last-ditch alternative to contraception, or by the failure of social climbers to be properly integrated into the highest reaches of power on account of their having vaginas, all while I’m wiping my balls down with free hand wipes in a supermarket bathroom because I can’t consistently afford a place to shower, you’re doing leadership wrong. You’re doing civics wrong. You’re doing life wrong. We could bring babies into a society in which they’re actually wanted and supported, and we could indoctrinate teenagers and adults into a society that is in spiritually healthy, not spiritually officious and puffed-up–morally straight, as they say in Scouting (CHESTERFIELD MY LEG SO I SLAPPED HIM! AND THEN DENNYFIELD MY LEG SO I BLACKMAI–never mind). Or we could just keep talking the story of values that we’d be inconvenienced and, perish the thought, humbled to try to live.

Put that in your Story Corps archive, alongside the tearful confessions of old soldiers and Army widows. I understand that there’s usually hot and cold indoor plumbing in base housing. Just sayin’. The goddamn Army often does right by its soldiers when it isn’t butchering or pureeing them. It just goes to show that we get socialism right when we actually try instead of pretending to care. If we replicated its non-genocidal parts, we might actually end up with a Christian nation.

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