Benghazian Rhapsody

Many centuries ago, in the time of the Mohammedan occupation of Christendom, there lived an exceptionally wicked imperial satrap by the name of Rodhmana El-Khelary. Rodhmana was the wife of Guillermo El Conquistador de Putas, who had been beloved of the Caliph’s subjects during his term as Supreme Regent, in spite of his infamy for sexual immorality and dissolution.

Having pleaded poverty to creditors during his regency proper, Guillermo and Rodhmana quickly became very wealthy after retiring from the Supreme Regent’s Palace in Benghazi. Over time, rumors began to circulate throughout the Caliphate that this wealth was unclean on account of its having been the proceeds of bribery by hated usurers. Guillermo and Rodhmana steadfastly insisted that this money was rightfully theirs as recompense for their meritorious public service to the Caliph and to the Caliphate, but these rumors of corruption endured.

Not content merely to have lived for eight years in the luxury of the Supreme Regent’s Palace and to have secured promises of great wealth from usurers and associations working on their behalf, Rodhmana conspired, before she and Guillermo had even vacated the Palace, to obtain an appointment as Lesser Satrap of New Amsterdam. Now New Amsterdam was infamous among all the regencies of the Caliphate for two vices of its subjects, namely, that they gladly tolerated misrule by foreign satraps and regents who crudely aped local customs, and that they were in the habit of speaking through their noses rather than their mouths. Rodhmana shared this latter vice with her new subjects, and furthermore, having been raised in a regency whose regents were notorious for being jailed for all sorts of crookedness and having then been Guillermo el Conquistador’s consort in a third regency notorious throughout the Caliphate for its backwardness and incest, so her appointment as Lesser Satrap was immediate, as was her reappointment to a second term.

Two years into her second appointment as Satrap, Rodhmana campaigned unsuccessfully for appointment as Supreme Regent. In spite of an exceptionally vicious campaign, the Caliph instead appointed an obscure Lesser Satrap by the name of Barak Hussein El-Afrikani. In spite of his name, El-Afrikani had been raised by his European mother and her family and was noticeably European in appearance and demeanor, even by the standards of the Maghreb. Even so, many of the Caliphate’s European subjects angrily accused him of being an African.

This new Supreme Regent, Barak El-Afrikani, quickly appointed Rodhmana as his foreign minister. In this capacity, Rodhmana became best known for presiding over the Great Arson of Brussels. The Great Arson was in fact a minor arson which served to distract many of the Caliphate’s subjects from the simultaneous destruction of all of Belgium. Rodhmana and many of her officials were summoned to Benghazi by the Great Council of the Satraps, the august body in which Rodhmana had so recently herself served, and subjected to extensive public inquisitions that proved themselves to be absolutely futile but very entertaining to certain subjects and officials, especially the Satraps themselves and the reactionary insane in the farthest regencies of the Caliphate, for whom the entire government of the Caliphate had neglected to provide adequate asylums. Nor did the government ever provide men or treasure to rebuild Brussels or any other part of Belgium, preferring instead to speak endlessly of the duty of proper administration that the Caliphate’s officials owed to this besieged, sorry land.

Rodhmana confounded many of the Caliphate’s subjects by not retiring from public life in spite of her extensive ritual humiliation in the matter of the Great Arson, as well as a separate series of inquisitions concerning claims that she had used untrustworthy couriers for official business, thereby exposing state secrets to interception by spies. Instead, she undertook a second campaign for appointment as Supreme Regent, this time against a deceptively normal and unusually humble Jew known as Bernard of King’s Plain. Bernard and his partisans infuriated Rodhmana and hers by suggesting that he, not she, was the true New Amsterdamer, and also that she was a notorious thief of the public treasury and associate of vicious usurers. Rodhmana desperately told the Caliph and his advisors that she, as a woman, was the only seeker of the Supreme Regency who would possibly take women’s concerns seriously at a time when women had long been oppressed by the policies of preceding Supreme Regencies, presumably including (although she was vague on this matter) the regencies of her recent Lord, Barak El-Afrikani, and her husband, Guillermo el Conquistador de Putas.

Bernard’s partisans countered with discreet references to Guillermo’s reputation for raping women, sometimes even under the guard of the Vigilant Knights of the Highway, an order responsible for the general protection of Guillermo’s incestuous subjects and also for service as a palace guard for Guillermo, Rodhmana, and their eleven children, as well as other visiting members of their family. Curiously, Bernard and his partisans made few references to Rodhmana’s notorious abuse of members of the Supreme Regent’s Palace Guard, a most excellent order whose vices were limited to occasional drunken violence in the course of attempts to rob foreign prostitutes, drunkenness while operating Palace chariots, intimidation of upstanding junior Guards by their seniors, and the like. In spite of the Palace Guard’s troubles, it remained much more popular among the Caliphate’s subjects than this former Regent’s Consort, Rodhmana, most especially her penchant for uttering curses to Guards so vile that the Caliphate’s Ministry of Propaganda, Public Morals, and the Spoken Word forbade their frank reprinting in state newspapers and most strenuously forbade their utterance by the Caliphate’s town criers. (The town criers were encouraged instead to sing obscene drinking ballads, as long as these ballads did not include any of the forbidden words of the Index, and to peddle various patent aphrodisiacs using whatever crude suggestions they could devise, again omitting the words of the Index.)

As it happened, Barak al-Afrikani was the last Supreme Regent of the Caliphate. United States Marines, who had been sent to slaughter the Barbary Apes, instead agitated a rabble of partisans in the Maghreb. These partisans soon found the Caliph himself hiding in a sewer. They dragged him out of the sewer, sodomized him, shot him, and put his corpse on display in a butcher shop. By this time, the Marines had already withdrawn, not wishing to involve themselves in the chaos. The sundry regents and satraps dispersed to the four corners of the earth: Barak to a distant chain of islands where he had spent time as a child, Guillermo and Rodhmana to an archipelago of palaces where Guillermo raped servant girls and Rodhmana screamed at them for being dirty slatterns, and Bernard to King’s Plain, where he held evening discourses in the taverns, complaining about men of great wealth while those attending his discourses complained in turn about a prolific class of frauds who were in the habit of excessively appreciating irony and wearing wicker bowling hats indoors, in the fashion of incorrigible asses.

This is but one chronicle of misgovernment in Arabia. Arabs have never been capable of proper government. The Maghreb in particular has been ruled by a rogue’s gallery of tyrants, from Cannibal, the Lector of Carthage, to Joko Jugashvili and his nephew, Kasha Sasha Shalikashvili, to the Reign of Knights Rapist under Genghis Khan, the well-meaning but hapless Reign of Honor under his daughter, Chaka, and the Era of Big Boom under her son, Abdul Qadeer. A Christian cannot trust the Khans, as they are not believers. One cannot trust any of these thieves and brutes, or even their vigorous male backup vocalists. Mohammedan Arabs leave their lands a legacy of nothing but endemic babaghanoush.

Christendom has never been ruled by such evil tyrants. Guided by the Light of Christ, its rulers have been just and merciful to a man. They have furthermore, with rare exceptions, been whiter than the snows of Kilimanjaro, so we need only behold them to take comfort in their good judgment and good character. Our Christian rulers are not the sort who allow Negroes to be sodomized by town watchmen in the fashion of an Arabian rabble. There are those who insist that Christian town watchmen do such vile deeds, but these are lies of the Devil. These are treasonous fabrications. By the grace of God we are most properly governed. Let us give thanks that we are so abundantly blessed.

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