More half-cocked attempts to pick some damn fruit

Mother-in-Law finally posted a help wanted ad on Craigslist. SHe put it up not quite fifteen minutes ago (plus however many minutes it takes me to finish writing this update). I guess the Facebook recruitment scheme didn’t work out as well as they were hoping. MiL broke down and went on Craigslist fifteen minutes after posting yet another call for pickers on Facebook. I assume she’s the one who put that stuff up on Facebook, that is; I know it’s her number that’s listed as the contact number on Craigslist.

The Craigslist help wanted ad is unusually reputable by prevailing community standards. For one thing, Craigslist has no standards. Even so, it’s pretty upstanding: it names the company and gives good driving directions. The only problem with it is that it veers into shambling incoherence in its I-9 instructions. For the life of me I can’t figure out why employers are so fucking sloppy and incoherent in their efforts to explain I-9 documentation requirements. I see it all the time. Usually, it’s a legally unenforceable demand that employees bring two forms of ID, probably because they’re too boneheaded or prejudiced to figure that anyone working for them would have a passport. Mother-in-Law’s current goes about it a bit differently, listing a passport AND a Social Security card as the best option (no, no, no, the instructions on the form explicitly state that a current US passport establishes BOTH identity and employment eligibility) before wandering into a punctuationally-challenged list of alternate documents.

Again, though, the problem here is not with Mother-in-Law specifically; I see worse I-9 nonsense from employers all the fucking time. The published regulations seem to include a level of advanced logic too complicated for employers to rephrase in their help wanted ads without butchering the regulations beyond recognition. It’s the kind of nonsense one would expect in a high school term paper from some goody-two-shoes bullshit artist. Why do these people have so much trouble accurately translating instructions from column form into basic prose? Damned if I know. I’m not expecting Patton’s speech to the Third Army here; what I am expecting is not distorting “A is sufficient” into “A and B together are sufficient.” That, as Patton might have said, is a bushel-fucking-basket of a fuck-up.

By the way, the kid whose mom cc’d him on the original call for pickers on Facebook still hasn’t chimed in. He’s probably all like, dude, what the fuck, man. I can’t blame him. That’s why I wall most of my relatives off from my Facebook feed. Make Facebook Great Again! Sad!


No, you’re still a creep if you think Ike was a nancyboy for crossing his legs and Patton was the only real man on the general staff. Just sayin’, boys. I followed a link to the Speech this morning, and I was impressed that it was only partly a torrent of homicidal vitriol against the outgroups. The alt-right has serious wood for Patton, as did that racist, soldier-brownnosing 4F twerp I worked with at the blueberry farm last year, the one whose ancestors ran the Japanese out of Toledo, Oregon, and who I’m pretty sure had never heard of Toledo, Ohio. He gushed to me about what a badass Patton was for telling a group of agitated village elders in North Africa that the reason their daughters had gotten pregnant by his troops was that they were nothing but a bunch of whores.

Yes, that’s exactly why Ike and Bradley wanted to ball-gag him for the duration of the war. Sometimes an army needs a rough bastard to discipline and motivate its grunts; Patton certainly thought so, and he had a point. (In fairness, I’ve done all of, like, fifteen minutes’ reading about George Patton in my life, most of it this morning.) At other times, an army needs its rough bastards to shut up so that they don’t wander around raping hornets’ nests in occupied countries. I don’t know for sure that Patton actually took that public dump of a speech on the Maghreb locals; what I do know is that the 4F Twerp admired him for having done so, and that that’s one ugly reason for Patton veneration. These days, the US armed forces have officers who get in over their heads in the greater Middle East, who get baited into taking sides in sectarian feuds that they only vaguely understand and don’t have a prayer of being able to navigate, but who at least make an effort to listen to the locals and keep their meathead grunts from committing war crimes all the time. Throw a Patton into the mix, and he’d egg on the boys to go skull-fuck some towelheads. When we admire a man like that precisely for comporting himself as a bigoted thug, it’s no wonder that we keep getting into all sorts of trouble in AfPak, the Fertile Crescent, Libya, ad nauseam.

I’m getting that Kwesi Millington for Linn County Sheriff vibe again. I’ve never heard so many Millington endorsements from so many economically marginalized, unprivileged white folk as I did on the berry crew last summer. Or maybe Kwesi Millington for PT instructor would be enough to get the 4F Twerp to run a twelve-minute mile by the end of the summer instead of spending all his spare time eating Doritos and reading nonsense on Nigger Mania. And I jolt you more than serve you/And I shock you for all time/And the Vancouver Lineman/Is facing hard time.*

No, that’s still less fucked up than the shit the 4F Twerp told me. Y’all have no idea.

*Pending appeals. This dead horse isn’t done being beaten yet.


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