The presidential campaign which used endless dirty tricks, probably including wholesale electoral fraud, to throw the guy I voted for under the bus now insists that I vote for its candidate in the general election because that’s the only reasonable thing to do. The victor’s opponent in the general election, I’m informed, is literally Vladimir Mugabe Hitler, and his running mate is Ayatollah Franco Pinochet. As it happens, I distrust Mike Pence on account of his recent history as a leading policy gobshite, and I don’t care for Donald Trump’s blustering narcissism. But as we’ve seen, our choices aren’t what they might be, since the unusually upstanding and humble socialist dark horse got whipped back into the barn in the nick of time by the exceptionally insincere yuppie shrew and her huge staff of court propagandists.
As I’ve said before, the philosophy of lesser evils cuts both ways, and I don’t suppose it feels good to be the bitch who gets cut. If “Who bitch this is?” crossed your mind just now, it did so appropriately; it’s possible to conceive of a counterfactual history in which Hillary Clinton ran for elected office fully on her own merits and under her own name, but the factual history, or what little we have been able to ascertain of it through all the fog, is one of Hillary pursuing high office as a current and then former first lady. She rode Bill’s coattails. This isn’t necessarily too objectionable (although the Clintons’ circumstances, being the Clintons’, are skeevier than normal; more on this shortly), but it does not allow anyone to credibly claim that she is an independent woman. If that’s true, I made sweet, sweet love to Dagmar Midcap last night. I was in Salem, doing laundry in the sink, and I’m a fat guy with a shitty haircut who earned, like, $1.90 an hour today, so yeah, probably not.
As educated, clubbable people who give a shit about manners or something, we’re expected to ignore an impressive history of shady behavior (to put it modestly) on the part of this woman and her family, hold our noses if need be, and vote for this woman who just this year pulled out all the stops in a desperate effort to wreck the campaign of the most viable left-wing Democratic candidate for the presidency since probably FDR. Uh, no. Bitch please. Civically, she’s our bitch, not us hers. She answers to US as voters. We should feel pride, not shame, if we’re rude with her for doing us bogus and then demanding that we dutifully line up behind her because she went full Texas chainsaw massacre on the credible socialist and left us with an incredible cryptosocialist who says God couldn’t predict what from minute to minute. Shit tests don’t belong in politics. Nor does whatever the fuck else the Clintons think they’re doing to us. Hillary bitch this country is not. Okay, maybe it is; we’ll see come fall.
The current Clinton campaign raises a battery of bizarre questions, in a way that the Bill Clinton campaigns in the nineties did not, since the couple’s history hadn’t crossed so many frontiers of weirdness back then. One of these questions is which of the major campaigns is the more liberal one. Just saying, “Duh, Democrats are liberals!” or “Fuck the shitlibs” is daft, and in the current year, as they say, it’s pretty misleading. If we don’t have our heads all the way up our asses, liberalism has something to do with liberty. I know, Wow Very Explain, but the chattering class could use some explain. Much, in fact. Not trying to terrorize the timid or the gullible with threats of imprisonment for causing the sorely censorious offense, for example, is traditionally a liberal stance. In any society that even concedes the existence of an opposing position in favor of lèse majesté, blasphemy, apostasy, and similar crimes of butthurt as anything more than a completely unconscionable fringe position, opposition to criminal punishment for causing offense is the liberal position, with support for such punitive excess coming from conservatives.
What have we now, then? A furious chorus of soi-disant liberals accusing Donald Trump of sedition, aiding and comforting the enemy, and treason for having publicly encouraged the Russian government to release the contents of Hillary Clinton’s shady-ass private e-mail server–you know, the one that nearly got her indicted until some exceptionally, eerily weird shit went down at Justice and the FBI. This shockingly illiberal stance is a blooming onion of wrongness. Russia is not a credible enemy of the United States. Warmongering elements of the US government, prominently including Hillary Clinton a number of her acolytes, are doing their best to bait Russia into war, but Russia isn’t taking the bait. Russia is frankly a friendly country, as proven by the detailed warning the FSB gave the FBI about Tamerlan Tsarnaev prior to the Boston Marathon bombing. Hostile powers don’t do that, comrade. Sure, Russia is certainly doing its best to hack US government e-mail systems, and as one of the world’s premier mathematical powerhouses, it is probably pretty successful in its hacking efforts. These efforts have nothing to do with what public figures in the US say for or against Russian hacking efforts. Post-Soviet Russia is as Post-Soviet Russia does, and Fatherland does spycraft. Ponyatno? The hacking campaign doesn’t wax and wane in accordance with public, political, or celebrity opinion in its target countries. The current Vladimir may appreciate the Donald’s support for Mother Russia’s snooping efforts, but he wouldn’t give up or order anyone under him to give up on account of tepid or nonexistent support within the US for this program. Spies, Vova being an espionage lifer who was photographed dressed for shit as a local tourist on one of Ronald Reagan’s visits to Moscow (look, it was the eighties), don’t figure that Khrushchev created a hostile work environment by banging his shoe on the table and doing all that yelling and throw in the towel because it has become le hard. There are some awfully incompetent spies (many of them ours), but there aren’t many chickenshits or public opinion triangulators among them. Let’s be fucking real.
The furor over Trump’s comments was even worse in context. He was encouraging this state-patriotic hacking effort for the purpose of publicly releasing e-mails that a former Secretary of State, now running for the presidency, had contrived to shield from FOIA requests by using a private e-mail server for official business. At best, this was reckless and grossly inappropriate. More likely, it was criminal. Trump was encouraging a competent foreign government to do the civic work that the US government was too corrupt to do on behalf of its own constituents. Putin’s domestic record on human rights, the rule of law, and open society is troubled, but this does not stop him from being a public records bae in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. Correction: Putin’s government honored Snowden’s passport and gave him safe passage when the US government would not, so some of the bravery and freedom has flown so far west that it’s now east. Hillary is the clear opponent of government transparency in this matter, not Vladimir Vladimirovich, Donald Fredrikovich, or Edward Lonovictch.
Trump has been accused during this spat of violating the Logan Act, or, as I prefer to refer to it, the Act on Penal Redress for Official Diplomatic Butthurt. He didn’t actually violate the Logan Act, by the way: public comments encouraging a foreign government to do what it will inevitably do regardless do not constitute private diplomacy. Even if he had, though, he would probably have remained sympathetic in comparison to the Foreign Service, which is staffed by a bunch of puffed-up freaks, blowards, influence-peddlers, campaign donors, and a dismaying number of incompetents. These fuckheads do not enjoy being shown up by private citizens who get fed up and privately undertake diplomatic negotiations that the US diplomatic services are too whatever (probably a lot of things) to undertake as would normally be expected of them because they’re, like, paid to negotiate. I met a number of their kind in college, and I do not trust them. Al Sharpton could get threatened with a Logan Act prosecution for flying to Pyongyang and talking to that Nork dork with the hilarious haircut and I’d take his side against our country’s diplomatic and prosecutorial communities. The Irreverend Sharpton is a walking profanity, but this is immaterial. A decent government does not prosecute its citizens for getting a bunch of self-serious officials butthurt by trying to do their jobs. A decent government most certainly does not prosecute its citizens for chafing the same crowd’s asses by encouraging a frankly friendly foreign government to act in the public interest of the citizens that it is too corrupt to serve.
If this is the Democratic Party, the Democratic Party cannot be trusted to confront the carceral state. Technocratic megalomaniacs who encourage the prosecution of their political enemies for dissent are completely incredible as criminal justice reformers. Again, this is not liberal; it’s horrifically illiberal. It’s Erdoganism in the name of bogus liberty. If this stance is anything more than pure, and absolutely insincere, bluster, Donald Trump is a more credible opponent of the American Gulag Archipelago than the Clinton machine (which orchestrated much of its metastasis in the 1990’s). How fucking reactionary do we wish to get? “This guy upset some Brahmins with government jobs by saying nice things about a foreign head of state who has them all hot and bothered; let’s indict him on charges that carry life in federal prison.”
The sort of people who have been badgering Trump about these comments are more power-hungry and dangerous than I can convey. I’ve known many of them, and I’ve known many of their much shit-upon adversaries in politically incorrect working-class circles. I have absolutely no qualms about saying that the former are much, much more dangerous than the latter, and for that matter much more odious. We’re talking about Lawrence Tribe and his Harvard Yard shitflock versus nobodies who would need a miracle to make the ballot for the Linn County Board of Commissioners. Honestly, even the prevalence and virulence of racism among the Trumpenproletariat is wildly exaggerated, while–mark my words here–the prevalence and virulence of racism in the Acelaland chattering classes is wildly underestimated. This week, I’m living in the Willamette Valley, not half an hour from the amazingly vibrant diversity of white people that is Lane County, but I’ve spent quite a bit of time in mixed-race parts of Sacramento, some of these lower-class. Remember, I live by the light rail station in Rancho (I might rather forget). I don’t feel like being tone-policed by sheltered scolds who would preemptively call the police on my neighbors just for being a bit sketchy or trashy.
I don’t feel like listening to the demands for compulsory universal optimism from these same people, either. Yes, Donald Trump is appealing to a sense of pessimism and national decline. Maybe he’s pandering to it. Fine. It was high time that someone in a position of influence stopped insisting that life is good for everyone and that anyone who dissents from this consensus of optimism is a Debbie Downer buzzkill who needs to get with the program. Shit’s on the skids in flyover country, guys. Bernie gets it. The Donald may get it; I’m not as sure of this, but I am, dare I say, optimistic about it. He certainly talks about Americans getting a raw deal from their rulers and having cause to express discontent pretty often, and, no, it is not all impenetrable gibberish, even though he says other things at other times that make me wonder whether he isn’t seriously, honest-to-God fucking dimwitted.
Hillary does not get it. She refuses to get it. Bill refuses to get it. I can tell just from passing glimpses and casual discussions with colleagues that huge swathes of the country are socioeconomically disintegrating, and these fuckheads have the gall to go up on stage and brag about how much they enjoy being grandparents. Bill talked about that shit, and golf, with the sitting US Attorney General who was a principal party to an active criminal investigation of his wife. I’ve long had a strong gut feeling that the Clintons’ gushing public comments about their grandparenthood were obscene as all hell, some of the most obscene chatter I had ever overheard, but I couldn’t put a finger on what exactly was so objectionable about them. I think I understand it now, though. They’re distracting voters with reheated Victorian outbursts of public domesticity at a time when they have profited and are continuing to profit from the utter and very deliberate impoverishment of other families with young children. They’re trying to hush us all with stories about how they hang out with their grandkids (their term more than mine). Fuck them. I hang out with Daughter-in-Law’s preschooler and toddler at the farm. Most of the crew does. Bitch stop trying to trump me with stories about how you give a shit about little kids, too. I notice, too, that the Sanders campaign didn’t pimp out the family grandchildren for Kennedyesque political advantage. I believe this is known as “adulting.” Your Fleek Abuela, however, will have you know that Charlotte is the coolest brat ever, and she has the Fluent Hispanderer on standby to translate that shit into Proletarian. I mean, uh.
No, I’m not trolling for cause to go offense-whoring or trauma-whoring. I’m not going to draw on my VA outpatient voice and encourage you to Let Me Tell You About My Trauma. In fact, I’m confident enough to say that I am more grateful for my blessings than Hillary Clinton is for hers. So is Bernie. He’s the one who thanked his supporters after losing the race. But I’ve dealt with some real hurt that was exacerbated by Hillary’s crowd, and I know many people who have suffered far worse than I have, and that bitch does not get to tone-police us. She does not.
We get to vote for Trump if we feel like it. With all the ever-more crazed shit that this country’s worst, creepiest technocrats keep blurting out against the Donald, I’m definitely starting to feel like it. With enemies like those, I have to wonder if he isn’t on to something. Maybe something including the proposition that Russia is a friend and Saudi Arabia is an enemy. I don’t know whether his enemies are bleeding vaginally, but they’re definitely bleeding profusely from all other orifices.