Banish the Democratic Party to the wilderness. Let it weep and wail and gnash its teeth. Let it subsist on tree bark and insects for forty fortnights.

Yes, that’s some crude language. I do declare it is, as one does in Savannah, usually in the course of declaring one’s endorsement of Kwesi Millington for Sheriff.

Oh. That again. I hope it won’t come as too much of a shock, though, that Northside Juice and the Shady Blues memes are less depressing than the current state of Democratic Party politics. Also, Trudeau isn’t quite what some of yinz thought he was. Canada has finally been exposed for harboring a serially murderous nurse, too, a day I was awaiting in sick expectation for some time on the assumptions that 1) the home and native* land of Sick Willie, Sweet Melissa of the Maritimes, Vince “No, I’ll eat YOUR heart out” Li, and Colonel Underpants probably contained at least one, and 2) the exposure of this nurse would finally enable the intersection of killer Canuck and sexy male nurse Lynn Majors memes. I don’t always abandon all decorum and peddle these memes, but when I do, I prefer Molson. Speaking of deadly Hoosiers who hooked their fellows up with all the wrong needles: Mike Pence. It can’t be that purdy down there in Scottsburg if you got HIV because the governor just had to make a point about moral hazard. I encourage recourse to low-functioning psychopaths instead for a reason.

*Okay, in some cases not native. Russell Williams, Jian Ghomeshi, and Mark Saunders share their native land with Harold Shipman. Yes, the Chief deserves his place in this list, because #Topoli.

If I may be so hipster, I was looking into the process of immigrating to Canada years ago, in between America’s adverse elections, back when it wasn’t even popular. You, too, will return to the refuge of these tasteless memes if you sincerely and earnestly try to grok the HRSDC website and what it means for your long-term admissibility to Canada. Muh Labour Market Opinion. One of the Canuck immigration sites (I honestly don’t care enough to look up which one) was crashed the other night by Americans who were hysterical with acute butthurt over the election of a dipshit to the presidency. Counterpoint: the guy isn’t Hitler; he’s Harper with an attitude. Second counterpoint: my comment above on the Mentionable Canadian Justin. Baby baby baby no, you probably will not be expatriating to Chad Kroeger’s homeland. If today was your last day, you’d spend it right here, bitching about that billionaire loudmouth and his white trash voters. #CanadianContent. BTW, why doesn’t anyone bitch about BTO? God do they suck ass.

The alt-right has gotten really snarky about how these armchair emigrants never propose fleeing to Mexico. Roissy is insinuating that their threats are probative of shitlibs’ forbidden desire to commune in all fullness with Whitey. I can’t speak on behalf of virtue-signaling SWPL who never manage to walk their own talk about race. I can say that I’ve made a cursory look into the possibility of living part-time in Tijuana, mainly as a way of reducing my cost of living. Everything I’ve heard about legal long-term immigration to Mexico indicates that it’s more trouble than it’s worth for anyone who doesn’t have an offer of employment in a profession or a highly skilled trade or else an admission offer to a university. Also, the cops’-heads-in-a-bag problem tends to deter immigration to Mexico from countries that aren’t even more violent at the moment. Canada has never had cartel violence verging on a civil war. Nor has it had cops as crooked and brutal as Mexico’s worst. There is no Canadian Chapo. A Mexican Colonel Underpants, on the other hand, would not have difficulty getting job offers from the cartels, as long as he does his modeling work strictly after hours.

A wall: that which traditionally confines Joaquin Guzman. #TheMoreYouKnow.

*****

This liberal panic over the state of the Union came about because the Democratic Party fucked up. It’s that simple. The Democratic Party fucked up colossally. It has run weak candidates who performed much worse than Hillary Clinton, but these candidates were honorable. McGovern was thrashed by Nixon, and Mondale by Reagan. What happened in these cases was that the Democratic Party ran uninspiring challengers against very popular and strong Republican incumbents. The Democrats ran failed strategies in challenging zeitgeists for two or three cycles. They came away from these drubbings looking like self-destructive idealists, out-of-touch fools, or quixotic losers, but they came away with their honor and legitimacy intact.

This year, the Democratic Party came away from a narrower loss in the Electoral College and a preliminary lead in the nationwide popular vote (likely to increase in coming weeks when California tabulates and certifies its late returns) under a taint of extreme dishonor and illegitimacy. As an institution, it’s disgraced. It spent the entire 2016 election season doing its level best to rival the Republican Party’s disgraces in Watergate and the Florida 2000 monkey business, and it succeeded. In a single candidate it combined the burgeoning back-of-the-house executive criminality of Richard Nixon with the vile electioneering sleaze of Lee Atwater and the vote-rigging crookedness of the George W. Bush machine. Late in the game, it managed to incorporate the unimaginably skin-crawling creepiness of the leaked Podesta e-mails, which contain bizarre language that appears to be a crude code facilitating the pimping of prepubescent children. During Bill Clinton’s administration, the ultimate moral fury involved Bill’s briefly keeping a sort of royal mistress in the White House. Election Day 2016, when his First Lady was supposed to finally trade places with him, opened a week or so into a fresh scandal, beyond the capacity of the mainstream media to suppress, suggesting that these already notorious crooks were at the very least closely advised by active child rapists. Elements dwelling more deeply in the fever swamp confidently accused both Bill and Hillary of personally committing child sex abuse at elite occult parties. By this time, Bill had spent months under scrutiny in alternative outlets for joining billionaire registered sex offender Jeffrey Epstein on his “Lolita Express” for flights to Epstein’s private island in the Caribbean, without his Secret Service detail.

The wife of a man who had been accused on the record of forcible rape throughout his own presidency tried to smear her opponent for bragging to a shock jock (correction: Bush family television producer; he was even worse with Howard Stern) about how he was rich and famous enough to play stinky finger on first acquaintance with strange women. Donald Trump is still facing an unresolved civil suit for raping a Jane Doe when she was thirteen–not an auspicious look for a president-elect–but the credibility of that accusation has nothing on the consistent public accusation that Juanita Broaddrick has made against Bill Clinton for forcible rape. Otherwise, the Clinton machine had nothing on Trump’s sex life except claims that he, a known serial adulterer and admitted lech, is sexually promiscuous with grown women. It was easy to see through this hysteria: the complicit wife of a man who had spent most of his public life accused of rape was accusing a public braggart famous for staging beauty pageants of being a manwhore. She tried with all her might to keep up a moral panic over this playboy bragging about how he’d get frisky with his tacitly whorish groupies. It didn’t work. For all anyone knows, Trump could have been making shit up to impress Billy Bush. In any event, what he described didn’t even rise to the level of sexual harassment. “They let you grab them by the pussy” indicates that these dalliances were with willing starfuckers. Not Christian marriage, certainly, and maybe not a well-examined life, but it ain’t rape. It doesn’t even sound like the soap opera that the VA commissioned to train its employees in sexual harassment. I mean, uh. I watched that when I was ten years old, and I still remember how sleazy and poorly produced it was. And again, we don’t know how much of Trump’s purported sex life is his actual sex life. He may well get more of a rise (heh) out of bragging about his conquests than from actually having sex.

We’re getting lectured by the sex scolds again. When Congressional Republicans did that to Bill Clinton in the nineties, they made colossal asses of themselves. They got Kenneth Starr, an incel-looking dork, to prosecute the lovably dreamy class playboy for getting laid too much and making him jealous. As the months of the Blue Dress turned to years, we learned that the Big Dog’s grandstanding, moralistic accusers included not only hypocritical adulterers but also an airport downlow cruiser and a molester high school wrestling coach. As Larry Craig so beautifully put it, with a barrenly pregnant pause exactly where it belonged, “I’d like to thank you all for coming out today.” More recently, we got to watch J. Denny Dundiddly bump his wheelchair into a curb on his way into federal prison for crimes other than child molestation but really for child molestation.

It’s going even worse for our new Democratic sex scolds. It appears, in real time, that the Democratic elite is being blackmailed by God knows who for crimes much worse than any Dennis Hastert ever committed. Americans got sick of being lectured by frigid schoolmarms with skeletons in their closets. With Donald Trump, there’s a sense of relief that finally we don’t have to live in Winesburg, Ohio anymore. It may be subconscious for many people, but it’s there. It may still be too much of a mindfuck for the average American to consciously recognize that the Republican Party under Trump is becoming the liberal party on sex, but there’s an increasingly widespread gut feeling that the sermons from repressed freaks who keep sordid company ought to stop and that Trump is clean of all that shit.

The 2016 general election didn’t have to be a referendum on Brock Turner. If Bernie Sanders had won the primary, it wouldn’t have been. Sanders, like Trump, spent his campaign focusing on public business, especially socioeconomic reform. He didn’t frantically try to lure voters into the psychosexual pit. Clinton and her surrogates did. They smeared me and my kind (including a great many women) as sexist BernieBros. We were not #WithHer because we were sexists who didn’t want to elect the first woman president. We were also racists, somehow. The Clinton machine infuriated black and Latino Sanders voters by alternately pretending that they didn’t exist and insinuating that they were Uncle Toms. We were the Whitopia constituency, while she was the kindly chef tending the melting pot. Alt-right elements including Mike Cernovich piled on, effectively in her defense, by accusing Bernie of being uncomfortable around black people after he got flummoxed by a couple of black activists who stormed his stage, grabbed his microphone, and hollered their word right in front of him very early in his campaign during a visit to Seattle. This looked bad for Sanders at the time, but in retrospect it was a momentary annoyance, a politician who had spent decades doing his groundwork at New England town meetings stumbling into a graceless provocation by asshole professional activists in Greater Portlandia and choosing not to publicly reciprocate their ill will.

Sanders settled and built his career in Vermont, which is Wow Much Whitey. The Clintons retired to Chappaqua, which is approximately a quarter the Community stronghold that Burlington is. Either of these characters might have lost to Woke Ron Johnson if the election were a reward for residency in an integrated municipality. (I keep fantasizing about Ron Johnson running for the Missouri governorship as a Republican against Democrat Sam Dotson because I keep forgetting how hideously reactionary a Missouri politician has to be to be shunned by the local Democratic Party. Johnson is noticeably to the left of Todd Akin, so he’s golden. This is a state where hippie-punching Claire McCaskill isn’t enough to get shooed off to the GOP by the kingmakers.) Unluckily for Clinton, this election was not a referendum on woke racial theory. That’s what she wanted it to be, but the pack didn’t eat that helping of dog food. From the center and the right, the objection was that she was cynically dredging up a stupid wedge issue again. From the real left (as opposed to the Officially Woke Ferguson Unified Command pseudo-left), the objection was that it was time for her to answer and atone for her prior dogwhistling about “superpredators.”

As with their feminist posturing, the Clintonistas were staking a claim to some of their most indefensible territory. They hoped against hope that their identity politics would work. They deserved to fail in this scam, and in the end they failed. Trump appealed to Americans as Americans, more or less. His beardbaiting over an exaggerated threat of Islamic radicalism was an unfortunate exception from this unifying rhetoric. Clinton appealed to what she hoped would be a small majority of the fractious tribes she had set against one another. She wanted women, racial and religious minorities, LGBT, SWPL, and woke oligarchs to beat back the intransigent white trash on her behalf. That this didn’t work is a testament to the good moral sense of the American electorate. A community should be wary of efforts to goad it into rewarding a leader who stirs up internal bigotries. In Clinton’s case, this campaign was related to a parallel campaign to exploit the Latin American peasantry as a scab labor reserve. Voters were wise to distrust the white girl when she expressed solidarity with Latino foreigners she would not want living in her neighborhood as her equals. Clinton deserved to be punished for this divisive sleaze.

Trump’s victory has revived calls to abolish the Electoral College. The argument here is that a handful of unrepresentative wingnuts voting in arbitrarily influential states with small populations shouldn’t be able to obstruct the consensus of a more representative majority living in more populous states that are arbitrarily weak and noncompetitive in national elections. Notwithstanding that the Electoral College is a weird institution offered to extremist states as a condition of their admission to the Union generations ago, these calls from the left to abolish it are being made this year only because the nominal leftist party got hijacked by a dogshit candidate with a pathological will to power who alienated an exceptionally broad swathe of the electorate, especially in the minor states that are served best by the Electoral College. As a check against the majoritarian oppression of dissenting regions, then, the Electoral College worked exactly as it was designed this year. Maybe it’s a shitty check, but to paraphrase Winston Churchill, the alternatives are even shittier.

In a race as close as this year’s, neither major party candidate will emerge with a strong mandate. Muammar Qaddafi made roughly the same critique of 50%+1 rule in the Little Green Book, along with the observations that black Africans are lazy due to the heat and that the female camel, not the male, gets pregnant. While we’re on the subject, I might as well issue an occasional reminder that Hillary Clinton found it amusing that Qaddafi was sodomized in extremis by his summary executioners. It shouldn’t be too surprising, then, that she and her partisans have little compunction about using the federal government as a vehicle to shit on whole regions under its jurisdiction for its amusement and aggrandizement, just as the Electoral College is meant to discourage. If the Electoral College protects rural and inland interests at the expense of urban and coastal ones, it’s worth remembering that federalism is a hot mess harboring much worse than that.

None of this would have been at issue if Bernie Sanders had won the Democratic nomination. Clinton needed to cobble together a ramshackle collection of swing states with barely enough of her mutually distrustful minority constituencies to win the electoral vote. Campaigning in Appalachian states after preening about how coal has to go was a fool’s errand. Don’tcha fuckin’ know, she lost Pennsylvania and Ohio after doing that. Trump showed up and announced that he’d bring back the coal. How? That didn’t matter. Voters were thrilled that he seemed to give a damn. Maybe he was a Don Quixote leading a cargo cult, but at least his heart was in the right place. They had no such feeling about Clinton.

Sanders did well in Appalachia. He crushed the hell out of Clinton there. Sanders received more support than either Clinton or Trump in the Kansas caucuses. The only candidate who won more Kansas caucus votes than Sanders was Ted Cruz. Seriously, Sanders might have won Kansas in the general election. It would have been a huge upset, but for a Democrat, a Borscht Belt populist with a strong track record on industrial policy would have a damn good change of winning over the grange crowd if his opponent were a showboating billionaire who puts his name in all caps on his private 757 and is famous for insulting his subordinates on television. Sanders might have finally reinvigorated grange politics in the Lower Midwest. Just as he appealed to voters in failing coal and steel towns in Appalachia, he might well have gotten a groundswell of support in Kansas farm country. Hillary Clinton doesn’t have a clue about how to relate to farmers or grain elevator operators or the children of slaughterhouse workers. All she knows how to do is say, “Thomas Frank told me to ask you all a question: What the hell is the matter with you?”

Sanders was the first Democratic presidential candidate since Jimmy Carter, or maybe Bill Clinton, to have a good chance of convincing voters in traditionally Republican parts of Appalachia and the rural Midwest that he isn’t just an insufferable limousine liberal snob. With Clinton, there was a widespread sense that even if he was a bastard, he was a charming bastard. Trump has a similar persona that inspires similar feelings. With Sanders, who doesn’t try to be everyone’s buddy (and certainly isn’t a painful try-hard like Hillary), there’s more a sense that he’s honest, if brusque, sincere, and sober. Voters were ready for that this year. They weren’t amused by the mudslinging on both sides in the general election and the crude abject pandering with which Clinton desperately tried to rock the youth vote. Turnout is down.

Going on my gut sense of the states (and I really don’t give a shit if the quants and wannabes think I’m pulling it out of my ass; they fucked up this year), I’d say that Sanders would have won West Virginia and Montana hands down, had a strong chance in Florida, Kentucky, and North Carolina,  and had a tenuous but strong chance for a Democrat of winning Tennessee and one or both Dakotas. Some of these states, of course, were written off as inevitable Republican wins this year. This is the case because the Democrats have gotten into the self-destructive habit of fielding candidates who don’t have a clue about how to relate to workaday people in flyover country. They’re accustomed to failing among normal people who keep their country running.

Bernie Sanders isn’t a unicorn. He would have lost the most polarized parts of the Deep South, the Ozarks, and the Mountain West. But it wouldn’t have mattered. In addition to the tossup and traditionally Republican states that I just listed, he would have swept the Upper Midwest. It’s conceivable enough that Mike Pence might have used his home-state advantage to keep Indiana Republican, but not that Trump would have beaten Sanders in every Midwestern state but Minnesota (which Clinton narrowly won) and Illinois. More likely, Sanders would have achieved a sweep extending from Pennsylvania into parts of the High Plains and the Rockies.

There’s less need to nitpick and agonize over the horse race math when the head of the ticket isn’t a polarizing crook who openly looks down on the poor and struggling. Clinton had absolutely no regional strengths over Sanders in the general election. Acelaland is too emotionally invested in the Democratic Party to flip for a Republican out of self-interest to protect itself against a socialist, and even if the BoBos had bolted towards, say, a socially moderate Republican like John Kasich (who carried Manhattan in the primary!), their defection would have been tempered by a surge in turnout for Bernie from the lesser orders of mankind. The Republican field this year didn’t include anyone with a chance of winning back the West Coast. Hillary maintained the Democratic stronghold in the urban non-Napoleonic Mountain West; Bernie would have done the same or better. He would have had no difficulty winning New Hampshire and the Second Congressional District in Maine, but these would have been moot points anyway on account of his lock on the rest of the Northeast and the Midwest. The only state where I can imagine him being a double-edged sword for the Democratic Party is Florida, whose politics are just fucking bizarre. The Brooklyn Jewish thing probably would have helped him modestly with the New York Jews around Miami and Palm Beach, while it might have hurt him among conservatives and reactionaries in the rest of the state. That said, Hillary Clinton was repulsive to the same center-right and right-wing constituencies. Another way to look at it is that if Bernie had lost Florida, as Hillary did, he would have done so without abjectly pandering to either the God-blesses-those-who-bless-Israel crowd or the God-damn-the-Castros crowd.

The country would finally have had a unifying candidate capable of winning the presidency without trying to navigate the treacherously idiosyncratic local politics of our most culturally pathological states. It’s only marginal candidates who feel forced to pander to aging Cubans in Miami and offer them assistance in their weirdly touchy beef with the Castro regime in a degrading effort to dredge up their votes. It’s the same marginal candidates who feel compelled to run interference on behalf of Israel in a gabmit for the Jewish vote on the Atlantic Coast, or for noisy godbothering 144,000 Club evangelicals in the rural South and Midwest. A party that stops running shitty candidates can stop deploying such shitty, degrading strategies.

Hillary could have limited the damage by offering Bernie a formal position of real influence in her campaign. She might have done better than she did had she promised him a position as, say, Labor or HUD Secretary in her administration. She definitely would have done better had she taken him on as her running mate. Instead she took on that oily, swish neoliberal dipshit Tim Kaine, whose fluency in Spanish did not compensate for Bernie’s not being a crooked unctuousness with some of the weirdest facial mannerisms in politics today. The alt-right pronounced Kaine a sexual deviant, usually a pedophile. Clinton did not need that persona on her campaign. She did not need his crappy, untrustworthy track record on her campaign, either. She balanced her own Northeastern neoliberalism with more Northeastern neoliberalism. She took on a weird-acting dude who represents the geographically and culturally Northeastern parts of Virginia at a time when she did not need help winning NoVa.

This was ridiculously arrogant. Sanders stuck with her throughout it, though. She ratfucked him and his voters. He conceded, moved to nominate her by acclamation at the Convention, and went to work on the Team of Rivals shit while his supporters called him a sellout. He campaigned for her. Her machine kept ratfucking his constituency. More and more evidence of the ratfuck was released by Wikileaks. The Clinton machine demanded the general election support of constituencies that it had spent the entire campaign smearing as bigots and losers. Sanders pleaded with these shit-upon, disgruntled supporters of his movement to be gracious with the Clinton machine, as a personal courtesy, if nothing else. He was more gracious in defeat than they were. He was the sitting United States Senator, though; he had voters who were homeless, foreclosed upon, chronically unemployed, drowning in student debt. He was in a position where he could afford to be gracious. His personal livelihood didn’t depend on his fighting back as hard as he could. For some of us, this meekness feels awfully like slavery.

Now that Trump has won, Sanders has released a statement offering to make common cause with the president-elect on reform efforts. I’m pleasantly surprised, but not too surprised. It should come as no surprise that a politician who did everything he could to work with a rival who had just ratfucked him out of a very likely election to the presidency would offer to work with a president-elect who has not ratfucked him and whose platform has much in common with his own.

The Democratic Party will become nothing but an atrophying regional curiosity if it keeps fielding these shitheads and torpedoing its most electable candidates with dirty tricks. Threatening Literal Hitler as the alternative to Teapot Dome Marie Antoinette won’t fix a party that keeps being so recalcitrantly self-dealing. Too many of us are wise to that shit by now, and not enough of us have the stable white-collar employment that might facilitate our voting for dyscivic new money crooks. Some of us, we ain’t hardly touched dem shine ricebowl.

A literal exile to the literal wilderness, Jesus-and-Satan-style, isn’t realistically in the cards for the assholes who ratfucked the Democratic Party into a coma this year. These aren’t ones to honorably abase themselves when they’ve done wrong. These aren’t ones to personally take losses that they can socialize onto the lower orders, the ones whose loyalty they demand in exchange for absolutely nothing. It’s only a country of three hundred-some million that has just been exposed to the dangers of bad policy because these asswads failed to propel a notorious crook and hated yuppie shrew, already a first lady, into the presidency, so that she and her circles of sleaze might further engorge themselves at the expense of the public in every misgoverned country on earth. Not that there aren’t proposals in circulation to properly humiliate them:

I can’t say whether taking over the Democratic Party will be morally better, but it WILL satisfy my schadenfreude.

Nothing warms the cockles of my heart like watching those useless, simpering fucks like Krugman and Klein and Yglesias and Stewart and Colbert and Maddow and Brazille cry and stamp their feet as their audience dwindles to nothing. Nothing, perhaps, except for the thought of watching those politico subalterns who hitched themselves to Clinton’s bandwagon watch those donations and speaking fees and consulting jobs draw up and they’re forced to fetch coffee for 56-year old mustachioed bikers and 26-year old techdicks to survive.

I want them to weep uselessly at their failed and unpromising futures, knowing that the salary of a Senator is the best that they can hope for. I want them to fear getting spat in the eye and laughed at by cute millenials when they reveal their affiliations and beliefs. I want the meritocracy to chew them up and spit them out. I want to watch them as their ridiculous world of civility and rationality crumbles. I want to hear the wheeze of contempt and horror as the working class rises up as one and casts these dorks to mediocrity.

Yes, that’s why I endorse taking over the Democratic Party.

Personally, I’m not at all opposed to putting these fuckheads on public assistance. Welfare is supposedly funded by our hard-earned tax dollars and shit, but marginalizing grandiose technocrats who might otherwise try to run policy fucks on the rest of us seems like a worthy and prudent use of public funds. For one thing, that actually results in their sucking less out of Mama Sugar’s tit. As things stand now, they’re positioned to legislate special rations of that sugar sweet for themselves, and we know by now that they’re awfully hesitant to offer extra rations to the deplorables. It isn’t our basket that they fill to the brim, now. Give them that welfare and that Section Eight. Even a thicky trick, thicky trick, she ain’t nothin’ but a–you know. Besides, as a homeless person who’s too competent to be kicked out of Starbucks, I don’t like the idea of forcing shift supervisors to train America’s most useless eaters as baristas. These assholes can make a few extra bucks–and depending on the pay period, a few is generous–by hustling deposit bottles. No, I’m not too smart to sleep in my car or go to BottleDrop for one-figure gibs every day that I’m within range. What I’m too smart for is the sleazy goddamned assholes who act like their own shit doesn’t stink and won’t stop alienating the lower classes from the closest thing the United States has to a viable labor party. DNC DELENDA EST.

By the way, guys, Jill Stein and Ajamu Baraka are currently clearing five percent of the vote in Humboldt County, and the elections office indicates that my ballot hasn’t yet been counted. Oh hell yes. Go ahead and tell me that the only reason I don’t feel like vomiting on account of the presidential election is why your atrocious candidate just lost. Go ahead and tell me that I shamefully helped sink a candidate I couldn’t countenance by voting for one I could. Frankly, my dears, I sleep in my car far too often to care.

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