A nation of bedwetters

The Trump golden showers story got sprayed all over my transom as my reward for sporadically checking in on the news, so I might as well put in a quick word about it.

First, we have public business to do (uh, maybe yuck, given the circumstances), and the internet blew up with piss jokes. Is Bernie Sanders the only federal official trying to attend to this business while the rest of the Democratic Party titters about Russian escorts peeing on a hotel bed? “The Federal Government: I lost the presidential primary, but I’m not going to let you lose Social Security and Medicare” vs. “The Federal Government: Soon to be led by the oaf who went to Moscow to watch FSB assets do pee-pee voodoo on his predecessor’s mattress.” We have ongoing maturity and focus from the old socialist who got ratfucked out of the presidency by misandrist, racebaiting bourgeois supremacists and is now out barnstorming to save the safety net while the yuppie swarm that ratfucked him goes on the internet to traffic jokes about how Trump is a Goldwater Republican.

This is like watching FDR get kicked back to Albany while the US government falls into the hands of William Randolph Hearst, Warren Harding, the Duke of Windsor, and a bunch of thoroughly sauced flappers. It’s just fucking surreal. Do we have even two dozen members of Congress who are trying to hold the line against this Imperial Roman decadence? There’s no indication of that in all the chatter about the president-elect having had FSB call girls do a Pussy Riot-style piss job on a bed that the incumbent president and first lady had used on a state visit. Instead we’re hearing about Pissing Monkey Syndrome by Foreign Proxy.

There’s been a lot of chatter from limousine liberals (NB: not the Berned-over left) about how Trump’s behavior in Russia was blackmail material, treasonous subversion on behalf of a hostile power, etc. Having hookers pee on a hotel bed just to spite one’s political enemy is off-brand even for Trump, but not as much as it would be for most politicians. Trump is notoriously petty, rude, and grandiose, so it doesn’t sound all too far out of character, even if it’s crazier and seedier than his usual lechery. He had already been smeared endlessly as a horrible oaf with horrible sexual morals before this Bedtime with R. Kelly story came out, so it didn’t come as an exceptional scandal. Hearing about watersports in the political news is shocking; hearing about Trump being sexually dissolute is not.

Some accounts of this incident intone that Trump and his rent girls “defiled” the president’s marriage bed. No, they didn’t. They vandalized a piece of hotel furniture. The Obamas expected nothing more than a very comfortable, very clean bed. As VIP guests at a luxury hotel, they surely got exactly that. They didn’t demand a fucking bedigree. They didn’t need to know who had done what in the sheets because they were given fresh ones. I’ve slept in nastier beds than any the Trumps, the Obamas, or anyone else in their class has used in decades, if ever. Some of the motels where I stay would horrify the elites. A few of them disgusted me. Presidents and puffed-up real estate magnates with network television gigs don’t sleep in joints that chintzy.

There’s no fucking way to know that the bed that Trump and his piss bitches “defiled” was the same one that the Obamas had used on a prior visit to Russia. This assumes that Trump actually did anything of the sort, which is dubious, but let’s assume that the FSB videotaped the deed and showed it to a snickering Putin. Did they also videotape the same bed without interruption from the time the Obamas left the room until the time Trump and his hoes arrived? Who the fuck would watch that? A tweaker wouldn’t be able to keep up interest in that shit if it were put on fast-forward. The most they have on him cold is that he behaved dissolutely in a room where a sitting US president had previously stayed.

It’s doubtful that Russian intelligence would have leaked information on an incident of this sort when its obvious institutional interest is to keep it quiet and use it for ongoing blackmail against a sitting president. Russian intelligence is disciplined as all hell, so it would have to take either a powerfully disillusioned defector/mole/double agent or a very well-paid crook to let the cat out of the bag. To one-up themselves now, the Russki spooks would have to release video of Trump doing something truly extreme to shock anyone with his sexual behavior: blatant pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality, extreme Jian Ghomeshi game, murdering a sex partner, that kind of thing. Or maybe catch him snuggling with a babushka. THAT would be off-brand. I can’t believe that this, of all times, might be the one time that the Russian security services got sloppy with their classification protocols.

Were the whores who wetted the bed, if they actually did it, state-patriotic intelligence assets of Mother Russia and Father Vladimir, the ruler of the world? Maybe. Or they may have been independent working girls who were taped by third parties from the spook shop. Actually, he’s more like Vladikrym Vladikavkazovich once we’ve accounted for his limited interest in regional revanchism in the historically Russian and quasi-Russian periphery. This doesn’t really matter, though. What the mainstream media keep missing is that even if Trump owes the Kremlin favors, the Clintons owe the Saudi regime and others, some of them also quite odious, favors for advance payments to the Clinton Foundation. If we’re worried about compromising relationships with hostile powers, we should be worried about Saudi Arabia, not Russia. The Saudi government sponsored and coordinated 9/11; the Russian government warned the FBI about Tamerlan Tsarnaev’s summit with the Caucasian beards, and the FBI dindu nuffin. Call me crazy, but don’t we want to seek better relations with the government that tried to prevent several deaths and hundreds of maimings on US soil before we try to kiss up to the one whose high-level agents orchestrated the deadliest peacetime attack in US history? God. How the hell was Tsarnaev the one guy they couldn’t get under an active wiretap in a perpetual surveillance state after one of the soberest security services on earth alerted them to his specific contacts with known jihadi radicals?

Nah, babe, this beam’s still hard as steel.

I always feel better about myself when I hear about politicians doing things like this, or that our government and its favored press outlets are run by the kinds of people who think pre-presidential watersports germane to the public discourse and/or have minds capable of thinking up such a ridiculous story and writing it. I don’t have whores piss on my enemies’ beds in front of me. That ain’t my scene. It probably should be more disturbing than it is to consider that the entire establishment may be projecting its own fetishes onto Trump (kind of like I’m less bothered than Larry Craig traditionally was by other men’s manful buttsex), but mainly it makes me feel healthy and well-adjusted by comparison.

What’s that? There’s probably something to this story but definitely nothing to Pizzagate? Sure. James Alefantis isn’t quite an anagram for j’aime les enfants, but Podesta is definitely an anagram for tsaPedo. Also, that’s some creepy, creepy shit. It already involves an ammosexual citizen-investigator patsy figure and a Zapruder scion who just happens to live in the neighborhood.

Go figure that Backpage’s escort sections were taken offline this very week. We wouldn’t want anyone thinking about something wholesome, like Sound and Pound with a thicky trick. Remember, if you go fuck a fat whore in Tacoma, Donald Trump and the liberal establishment will agree that you’re gross, and there’s nothing wrong with that.


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